journal

10/29/2025 5:15pm Bay Area

My climbing journey is stalled and I feel so tired all the time. This has been going on since mid September and I frustratingly can not figure out the root cause. It’s not just climbing though, many aspects of life are feeling dull/ uninteresting and I find my self devastatingly unmotivated. Feeling constantly ambivalent and often negative about my progress as an aspiring non professional athlete and a great climber. The timing is unfortunate as well since I have everything in my corner now. no girlfriend to worry about, a van to travel and cook in, the funds, the time, etc. My mind is the only limiting factor which makes the whole thing even more insane and frustrating.

Before I dive into it too much further I will note

I sent my hardest pitch of rock climbing ever this year! 10c fingers, the start of freeblast. I climbed El cap (Nose) and Half Dome (RNWF). I also built my entire van, left a 6 year relationship that was a dead end. This year has not been without fruit, but it has lacked the same feeling that last year did. I was on a journey to god. No sacrifice was too uncomfortable or off the table to get better at climbing/ sink deeper into nature. Things were so novel. Not only was I transforming my body and mind, I was discovering a new culture, a new way of life, new values. Large portions of what I thought were fixed aspects of life were suddenly up for grabs.

I want to feel like that again, but I don’t think trying to replicate that time is going to be useful. I’m somehwere new now and I need to accept and adapt. But fuck I just don’t feel like I have any energy to change things. Was it Balin’s Death? my scarey experience on RNWF? The fitness I lost building the van? The novelty wearing off? My 6 year relationship finally being over. Finally. Finally. Its almost embarrassing how much time I spent trying to make things work.

I want to cast aside all this apathy, find the engery and strength to focus and plan. I want to be a great climber, but I’m not putting in the work I need to at this stage to move forward. I need to be consistent.

Enough complaining, I’m going to go to the climbing gym

Motions - Far out Version - Liz Cooper And The Stampede https://open.spotify.com/track/3An6qpudDbeAHGDyFUVrUB?si=bffe88b2443d4a6f